And I thought I had it under control but once again I am reminded that I am no good for myself when I am alone.  I begin the cycle of self doubt and belittling that I seem to do so well with a solo performance.  It seems like so long ago since I’ve been like this, I thought I had moved on, matured, but I can see that it was just an illusion.  What is the real me?  Am I as pitiful as I get when I am not surrounded by people nor have things to do?  I think about my own inadequacies while at the same time trying to deceive myself and I come up with different scenarios that could lead to a happy solution.  But they never happen, and they are not real.  I make up the imaginary to make my real life seem a little more exciting.  Something looming ahead is motivation to try harder and to stick in there.  But when you get to the point where you accept failure as inevitable, you realize how foolish you were.  Hello, my name is foolish and I accept my own failures. 

There is something about leaving an old phase that makes one feel nostalgic and reflective. I have not been thinking about high school so much, it's more that I've been thinking about how when I was a child, and trying to remember as many childhood memrories as I can. Maybe it's because I'm leaving the only place I've lived in my entire life. Maybe it's because I am going to miss my parents dearly, or perhaps I'm just thinking because I'm doing something new. But here is a list of things I remember about my childhood.

• I didn't stop drinking milk from bottles till I was around 3.

• When I was young I didn't like baby food, but I did like fruit, especially grapes and cherries.

• My father used to feed me cherries which totally freaked my mother out because of the seeds, but my father explained to her << It's okay, he spits the seeds out in my hand, see.>>

• I hate the better part of a succulent which I know now as a donkey's tail because the fleshy parts look very similar to green grapes to a young child.

• When I was a little older I consisted on only two things: Cucumbers with bacos on top and McDonald's Chicken McNuggets.

• I was a lot skinnier back then.

• My one and only bee sting came when my parents were out of the house and I put my hand down on my plastic toy slide in the backyard and there was a bee sitting on it, stung me right on the palm, I was bawling for at least 10 minutes.

• I have a stuffed clown doll from as long as I can remember and her name is Dolly. I used to never be able to sleep without her, she still has a commanding spot right on my bedstand.

• When I was in the second grade we were having terrible rains and when I got out of school I didn't see my grandmother who was going to come to take me home. I walked a block with my friend in the rain and then he went his seperate way home. I walked back and forth down two blocks looking for my grandmother bawling because I had never walked home (mind you it was only like 4 blocks) by myself before and I was very scared. Luckily one my neighbors took me in and called my house and my grandmother meet me there and walked me the rest of the way home. To top it off she was mad at me for leaving without her because she was waiting for me in the rain outside of my classroom.

I have many more stories as I'm sure everyone does, but those will suffice for now.